yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
as a side note pls kill me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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