If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
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My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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