She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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