pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
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Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
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