I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
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Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
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What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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