I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
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My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
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You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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