She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
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a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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