Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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