I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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