Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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