We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
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Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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