life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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