Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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