He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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