my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize