The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
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Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
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Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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