I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize