If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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