Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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