I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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