My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
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I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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