Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
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Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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