A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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