Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
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