dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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