Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
no you cant smoke seaweed
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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