Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
