four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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