i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
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He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
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dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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