I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
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He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
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Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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