Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
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I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
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I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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