So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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