im six kinds of drunk right now
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
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Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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