you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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