I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
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My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
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I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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