He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
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he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
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I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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