i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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