I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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