If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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