Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
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Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
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My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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