You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize