I wish I could teleport
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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