my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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