I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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