I bet he comes in French.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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