You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
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I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
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You should frame my arrest warrant.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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