I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
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i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
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Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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