Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
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Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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