Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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