It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize